


listen before i go

by looniesnotcool



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chwe Hansol | Vernon Being An Idiot, Hearing Voices, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m sorry, Lowercase, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, but not really, chansol are soulmates, hansol is just really oblivious, i don’t make the rules, idk if hansol comforts him tbh, kwan is the bad guy, this is just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27634864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/looniesnotcool/pseuds/looniesnotcool
Summary: in chan’s eyes, hansol had started to become something a little more than just a friend. maybe a lot more, but he would’ve never admitted that. although the way he looked at the slightly older boy, the smile that would curve his lips up every time he would say something nice to him, the faint blush that would spread across his cheeks every time he ruffled his hair, they all held a type of love that couldn’t have simply been platonic. no, chan was in love with hansol. he had fallen quite hard too, to the point he couldn’t get up anymore, even if it took him a while to realize the last part.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Lee Chan | Dino
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> chansol is my ult ship in seventeen and they make me so soft, but i had to write some angst about them. this is just really sad. read the tags because some things may be triggering to certain people. sorry for any typos lmfao.

it all started somewhere in november.

chan remembers that day clearly, like it all happened yesterday. the vivid memories would often play in his mind at random times of the day, especially at night. when he would try to sleep but would just end up crying his heart out as he kept asking himself what did he do wrong, if it was all his fault, if he should’ve just let go. it hurt at first, and even at the end. but chan had to cope with it right? he couldn’t let his selfish desires take over. he would’ve never forgiven himself if he did that.

chatting with his best friend hansol while walking through their high school’s hallways was something chan used to do quite often. this was going to be hansol’s last year in that school, and the two friends promised to each other they would try to spend as much time as possible with the other. although they both knew that once the next year would start, they would still find ways to meet. their bond was unbreakable, and they needed the other’s presence in their lives. or at least, that’s what chan thought.

in chan’s eyes, hansol had started to become something a little more than just a friend. maybe a lot more, but he would’ve never admitted that. although the way he looked at the slightly older boy, the smile that would curve his lips up every time he would say something nice to him, the faint blush that would spread across his cheeks every time he ruffled his hair, they all held a type of love that couldn’t have simply been platonic. no, chan was in love with hansol. he had fallen quite hard too, to the point he couldn’t get up anymore, even if it took him a while to realize the last part.

the conversation’s topic had somehow changed from ketchup to penguins. chan could swear he saw in some weird documentary that penguins gave each other rocks as gifts. the amused chuckle hansol let out already told that the older boy didn’t believe him, but didn’t say anything. he thought that chan was cute when he ranted, especially if it was about such weird topics only he could think of. “hyung i swear! i don’t know how, and why, but they really give each other rocks! they surely can think of a better gift though, rocks are pretty useless. what do they even do with th—

chan was suddenly interrupted by the sight of someone bumping into hansol, making him almost fall backwards and drop the pile of books he was holding. the youngest opened his mouth to say something but he had been cut off a second time, by the stranger’s voice. “oh gosh i’m so sorry! i wasn’t looking!” the stranger, a cute boy with squishable cheeks and the sweetest of smiles, spoke up. hansol immediately reassured him everything was fine, and even though the two had just met, chan couldn’t help but feel like he was third-wheeling. which, considering his secret-but-pretty-obvious feelings for the oblivious hansol, didn’t really make him feel better about the situation.

“i’m boo seungkwan, nice to meet you! i’m new to this school and i was trying to find my class.” the new boy, apparently named seungkwan, explained. hansol, being the sweetheart he was, asked him to show him his schedule and chan could swear he heard something inside of him break when the older boy stated that they had the same classes. “it’s going to be fine chan, it really is. after all, they’ve just met. you have no reason to be jealous.” he tried to reassure himself as he walked away fromthe situation, and maybe it did hurt a little when he realized hansol hadn’t even noticed it, too busy conversing with seungkwan.

the next months were probably the worst of chan’s life.

“you know, sometimes there’s this weird voice inside of my head. when i feel down it tells me things i’d rather forget. i wish it would stop, i don’t wanna listen to it but it’s insisting so much i’m tempted to.” the younger had confessed to hansol a year before the tragic events. it was a chilly october evening, and the two friends had found themselves on a bench in a random park somewhere in the east part of the city. chan didn’t talk about his thoughts, or what was going inside of his mind often, but the few times he did they were usually serious matters that concerned hansol.

“hey, i’m here okay? listen to me. focus on my voice. everything’s going to be fine because we will be together forever. if we never leave each other’s sides, we will be happy. so whenever you feel lonely, or just need a hug, come to me okay?” hansol held his hand and smiled at him. oh, that sweet smile. chan could’ve done anything to see it always on his face. the younger, a little surprised at that action, couldn’t help but blush a little, the negative thoughts immediately wiped away by that light in his life named chwe hansol. “promise me you won’t leave me, please. i can’t live without you.” chan begged with teary eyes, and hansol pulled him into a tight hug, whispering sweet “yes” and “i promise.” no one would’ve thought the last words chan said were actually true.

but here they were, a year later, the situation going in a way chan didn’t know existed. he and hansol would always play videogames on saturday, it was a tradition they started years ago, and nothing stopped it (not even that time when chan was sick and had a cold, they ended up playing until 5 am anyway and the next day hansol woke up with a headache and was sick as well, but the older had reassured him it was all ‘worth it’). however, for the first time hansol told him he couldn’t come. chan thought it was a one-time thing, but when he didn’t come the next week too, and the next one as well, he realized that it hurt him more than he wanted to admit.

“i’m sorry i’m going to hang out with seungkwan”

“i’m sorry i’m going to seungkwan’s place”

“i’m sorry seungkwan has a problem, i’m gonna stay with him”

those were the excuses hansol would text chan every saturday. and the poor boy couldn’t bring himself to say anything to him, out of fear he would get offended and start hating him. he knew hansol would’ve never done that, but he had changed so much in those weeks that he wasn’t sure of how he would react anymore. did he even know hansol at that point? the fact chan wasn’t sure about the answer scared him more than anything else.

how dumb of him to think he was going to be hansol’s light forever. of course someone like him would find another one, better than him. “seungkwan is prettier, nicer, kinder, sweeter, funnier than me. how could someone hate him?” the truth was, even chan himself couldn’t hate seungkwan. he had no reason to. he did nothing wrong, after all he just bumped into hansol one day, and they had become friends. best friends. and even though hansol obviously preferred kwan over chan, the younger could at least reassure himself they were only friends. he knew he stood no chance with hansol anymore, but at that point he was willing to hold onto any bit of hope left.

however, fate had been cruel to chan, deciding to destroy even that single little fragment of hope that was still alive inside of the poor boy’s heart. chan was in his room, laying in bed and doing absolutely nothing, just trying his best not to let the little voice inside of his head take control. the loud sound of his phone ringing brought him back to reality, saving him from his own thoughts. he couldn’t have been happier when he noticed that the caller was hansol, they hadn’t talked to each other in days! maybe they were finally going to hang out and play videogames or talk about penguins. it was funny how hansol was the reason of his sadness and happiness at the same time.

“hyung? what’s up?” chan hid behind that sweet giggle that followed his words every tear he had shed in the last nights, impatiently waiting for the older boy to speak. hearing his soothing voice, even if it was through a call, was enough to make this enormous smile appear on his face. he missed this feeling, smiling was something he wasn’t doing often anymore. “channie-ah, i need advice on something really important.” hansol exclaimed in an excited voice, and chan could help but chuckle a bit, finding him adorable. “yes? what is it?”

“i’m planning to ask seungkwan out.”

chan helped hansol set up the date. he helped him pick a location, a gift, chocolates, and even a promise ring. he would’ve wanted to say no so badly, and just leave, but the smile on hansol’s lips every time he’d look at seungkwan was a sign of true happiness. and even if chan wasn’t the person who made him feel butterflies in his stomach, he had no right to deny him to be happy. hansol was worth so much more than him, and maybe that was what convinced him to keep going, to drag his already exhausted soul along the way called life.

chan watched seungkwan and hansol grow closer day after day. he witnessed the shy touches turning into tight hugs, the hair strokes turning into cuddles, the small pecks turning into passionate kisses. and while hansol’s happiness skyrocketed to the stars, chan’s mental health was falling into a bottomless pit. panic attacks had now become normal events that happened daily, and crying sessions felt so much longer now that there wasn’t hansol next to him reassuring him everything was going to be fine. he finally realized that they were all lies. nothing was ever going to be fine. 

the voice inside of his head was louder than ever, reminding him of how selfish and useless he was every day. chan soon couldn’t keep up anymore: eating and sleeping were now rare events in his life and everyone at school noticed the bags under his eyes and his already small figure becoming even thinner, even hansol and seungkwan, much to his surprise. chan started to hate the nighttime hours because there was no one stopping his mind from wandering free, and that meant getting lost in dark and negative thoughts he only wanted to forget about forever. the easiest thing to do was simply to push everyone away, he couldn’t get other people involved in a mess that he had caused. letting someone help him would’ve only led him to make him feel even worse about himself.

and it was exactly what he did that cold night of february, when the tears that rolled down his cheeks seemed endless and he was hugging his knees in an attempt to protect himself from some kind of presence he could feel inside of him that was slowly killing him. his phone rang in the silence that had only been broken by a few sobs and confused whispers before, and chan sniffed, trying his best to stabilize his voice that was too shaky and his breathing that was way too fast. he wiped away his tears with his hand and finally picked up the call without even bothering to look at the name on his screen.

“y-yes?” “chan, it’s me, hansol. i know we didn’t talk much in the last months, but i couldn’t have helped but notice you are losing so much weight and the bags under your eyes are concerning me. are you okay channie? you know you can still tell me anything right?” chan almost dropped his phone upon hearing that way too familiar voice. why did hansol have to call him now, out of all times? why when he was about to break down and finally let go? holding back a choked sob, chan took several deep breaths before speaking up. “i’m fine, i really am. no need to worry about me hyung.” he exclaimed in the happiest tone he could manage to do, and hansol was about to say something else but chan had already ended the call, tossing the phone that landed somewhere on the bed and crying his heart out once again, tired of lying to himself and everyone else. 

hansol didn’t call him again anyways.

“STOP! MAKE IT STOP! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

screams and desperate yells could be heard coming from one of the stalls in the boys’ restroom on the third floor of the high school. chan was hugging his knees tightly, curled up on himself as he sat on the floor, squeezed between the toilet and the wooden wall. his usual sweet, soft voice now sounded almost inhuman, as he realized that holding onto the pillar called life had become almost impossible now that hansol, the only person that prevented him from falling into the bottomless pit beneath was now gone. now the only thing he could focus on was that damn voice, the voice who would always tell him to save his energies and just let go. “JUST SHUT UP!” chan’s last survival instincts screamed.

it all finally came to an end when he heard someone knocking on the door. who could’ve been? everyone was in class now. was it a janitor? that would’ve been embarrassing, he had to remember he wasn’t the only person in that building. his crying could’ve bothered other people. he took the shakiest of breaths and slowly stood up. “who- who’s there?” he managed to blurt out, looking down at his hands that were now trembling. it wasn’t even that cold, but for some reason, his whole body had started shaking by now. it was getting harder to control it, but after all, it had been difficult from the start.

no answer. everything had turned silent once again. he figured out he might’ve as well got out of there and escape somewhere else, his trembling hand managed to hold the doorknob and he opened it, only to feel his already dying heart drop to the ground and shatter into a million pieces when he was met with the sight of chwe hansol in front of him. “chan-“ he couldn’t even finish pronouncing his name that chan was already crying, fat tears rolling down his cheek as the younger boy desperately tried to wipe them away. but once again, they seemed endless, just like the pain his heart was feeling every time he looked into hansol’s eyes.

“stop, please.” the youngest managed to whisper once his sobs had died down. “just stop. don’t insist anymore.” chan, the boy who always seemed so hopeful and cheerful, was now telling hansol to give up on him. they both knew well that there was no hope left but hansol’s mind refused to believe that, pushing the hated truth away as he firmly grabbed chan’s wrist, preventing him from leaving the restroom. hansol had always been stronger than him, especially now that he had stopped eating properly and looked so fragile, like a careless touch was enough to break him. and maybe, it wasn’t a lie.

“channie, i’m begging you. just tell me what’s wrong. we can solve it together. like we always did, yeah?” hansol suggested with a small smile that contrasted the pained expression on his features. and although the offer seemed tempting, chan knew it was impossible to turn back. he was too in love with hansol, and hansol was too in love with seungkwan. just the realization that they were probably making out while he was crying at night was heartbreaking enough, seeing them holding hands every day was enough, spending time with them would’ve been too much.

“just go to seungkwan or something.”

he left, finally knowing what to do, while the eyes of a shocked hansol were following his movements.

chan finally took a decision.

no more regrets, no more tears, no more sadness. he was standing alone on top of this endless road that maybe wasn’t so endless anymore. comfortably sat down on the school’s rooftop, he watched the cars and the people above him. the rooftop was a place chan and ha sol used to hang out quite often, usually cracking jokes while eating chips and watching strangers they’d never see anymore walk away. it felt like a completely different place now that the older’s beautiful laugh was gone, along with any meaning chan’s life ever had. he was finally going to listen to the voice.

he felt so small compared to the enormous skyscrapers, so meaningless and insignificant that his presence wouldn’t have changed anything. his legs were pointlessly swinging around and the cold wind was making him shiver a little. goosebumps formed on his skin but he didn’t go away. instead, he stayed there, knowing this would’ve been the last place he would see anyway. he had already decided, and there was no way back. every doubt, worry, and fear that held him back for these past years wasn’t there anymore, and chan could finally say he was okay with himself. there was no point in despising himself. after all, he would be gone very soon.

chan lost track of time. when he arrived the sun was setting down but it always already dark now, and he guessed it was probably around 9 pm. it was a beautiful night, the sky was elegant and dark and billions of little dots people called stars were shining prettily everywhere. chan wondered if people really became one of them when they died. the idea of becoming a star did seem appealing, now that he thought about it. he chuckled, thinking about his younger self. little seven years old chan surely wouldn’t have been happy when he would learn about his future. “i’m sorry.” he whispered, almost as if he was apologizing at his past self.

however, the peace of the moment was soon interrupted by someone slamming the door open. chan flinched and immediately turned down, and the dropped jaw could only whisper one name. “h-hansol hyung?” he didn’t see him in weeks, the last time was that incident at the restroom that he wanted to forget about so bad. the older boy’s face was visibly concerned and he was panting, trying to catch his breath. he had probably run. why was he here? why now, out of all times? why was fate being so cruel to him? he would’ve given up anyway, wasn’t that enough? did the universe just want to see him suffer?

“chan-an! i was so worried! what- what do you think you were doing?!” he exclaimed, tears rolling down his cheeks. chan’s heart clenched, he hated seeing hansol cry. if he was the reason behind this much sadness, then leaving would’ve surely been the best option, for the sake of both of them. the younger didn’t answer, instead only looked down and fidgeted with his fingers, something he always did when he felt nervous. unfortunately, hansol knew him too well. he put his hand under his chin and raised his head, forcing eye contact between them. “tell me what’s wrong. i need to know. i promise i’ll help you through this, whatever it is. remember the promise we made?” 

“oh, you mean the one you broke months ago.“ chan casually stated, much to hansol’s confusion. the half-american boy raised an eyebrow, and chan chuckled. he was still totally oblivious, wasn’t he? “what- what do you mean?” he asked, his tone getting more concerned with every word that escaped his lips. at first, chan didn’t want to say anything. he wanted to leave and lock away the truth and the secrets he kept forever so no one would feel guilty, and simply forget about everything. but his mind was exhausted. he had been strong for too long. the voice was becoming louder.

“hansol, i fell in love with you years ago. i’ve always loved you, so so much. and whenever i felt sad, i kept going anyway, because i knew you were there with me, and that was a good enough reason. but everything changed when seungkwan arrived. i was okay with you spending time with him, heck, i was even okay with you two dating, as long as you stayed with me. but you didn’t. you forgot about me. and suddenly the voice became so loud. i listened to it, i pushed everyone away, i stopped taking care of myself. after all, there was a reason you forgot about me so fast, right?” the more chan talked, the more his voice got shakier and he finally allowed himself to break down, unable to prevent the salty tears from falling anymore. 

“chan-“ “no! don’t tell me it’s going to be fine, don’t tell me i’m all that matters because those are all lies! i know you’re planning to go to seungkwan’s place after this. just stop already, i’m begging you!” chan suddenly stood up, choking on his sobs. his vision started getting blurry, to the point he could barely tell where he was.hansol was left speechless, maybe it was his fault after all. he should’ve realized it sooner, but it was too late already. he wrapped his arms around chan tightly, and the younger hugged him back out of pure instinct, they were two soulmates that unfortunately wouldn’t have gotten their happy ending. hansol’s stubborn self refused to accept the truth though, he would’ve done the impossible to fix chan, but the younger was right. it was too late.

“i’ll always love you.”

“chan-ah, please don’t leave..”

“i’m so sorry...”

“CHAN!”

his name was shouted one last time, but his body was already falling down.


End file.
